The Girl Who Grew Up Without A Dad

My boyfriend asked me what are my plans for this Sunday, June 20. I asked him what was the occasion, and yeah, I almost forgot that it’s Father’s Day. I actually don’t celebrate Father’s Day with my Dad ever since. I only greet him through text, and that’s it. Nothing more.

I have a complicated life and it includes me growing up without my Dad. I only got to know him when I was four. My Mom introduced him to me and for that moment, I was happy because for the first time, I somehow felt complete. But as time goes by, I learned that knowing him is not enough. There are times that he would meet us, and there also some time that he won’t show up. He’s not consistent, until now. With that, I started hating him and ignoring him. I was very vocal with that before. Some of my relatives tease me with my Dad but I just get pissed.

When I was in first year high school, he attended my PTA meeting and I was really happy because I got to tell my classmates that I have a “Dad” and for the first time he gave me money. He never gave me financial support and it was my Mom who supported me all along. But after that, he never showed up again. We never hangout again like before and that was until college. His inconsistency made me hate him more and I was vocal about that. My Mom would always tell me that I shouldn’t get angry with him because he was still my Dad after all.

I only have few memories with my Dad and I can really say I don’t know the things about his personal life. I am definitely not a Daddy’s Girl. I love my Mom more than my Dad.  But deep inside, I actually envy those child who get to experience a father’s love. He’s actually the first man to ever broke my heart. I didn’t experience my Dad texting me because he’s worried I wasn”t home yet, or me asking my Dad if he can fetch me.

I have my reasons why I hate my Dad. I hate him because his love was never enough to be with my Mom. I hate him because he is inconsistent. I hate him because my Mom loves him to the point that she never loved anyone else. She never experience a wedding she deserve. I hate him for not helping my Mom and running away from his responsibilities with me. I hate him for making me feel incomplete from the day I was born.

One day, my Mom got really sick. She was battling with cancer that time and she wants me to be good again with my Dad. I tried and after she passed away, I already forgave him, somehow. I accepted him again. For the second time in my life, I was grateful again because he was with me when my Mom died. He was beside me all along. After my Mom died, we would text each other from time to time, checking on each other. There are also times when I ask some advice from him whenever I have problems and he would preach like a priest! Hahaha. Never thought I’d see that side of him.

Even though he’s not consistent and he’s not the best Dad I can ever have, but still, he is my Dad. All the hatred since the very beginning will not lead me to any good so I released it and I started to live a happy life. I don’t want to be bitter anymore. “Time can heal”, and I guess that saying was probably the most accurate one. I am already tired of hating him and I think he deserves to be treated in a good way. He’s old already and I don’t want to regret anything I didn’t do before it is too late.

To my Dad, Happy Father’s Day! I know you may not be the best that I can ever have but still, thank you. All I want for you is good health and longer life. 🙂

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